Definition of Addiction
Are you or someone you love addicted to alcohol,
drugs, or destructive behaviors?
Addiction is not determined by the amount or
frequency of use of a substance or behavior. Instead, addiction is
defined by the harm experienced from use.
Addiction can involve the use of any drug, including alcohol, or
certain destructive behaviors. In the case of addictive behaviors, the
behavior triggers the production of brain chemicals that bring
excitement and
pleasure and therefore they can become addictive. Examples include:
gambling, compulsive spending, overeating (and binging/purging),
destructive sexual behaviors (including pornography and cheating),
workaholism, and
even over-exercise.
Addiction can be defined by the presence of one or
more of the following:
- There is harm to the user (emotional, medical,
social, vocational, legal, financial, spiritual).
- There is a loss of control over use (not able
to limit use, using
despite serious risks or consequences, unpredictibility of behavior
when using).
- Tolerance to the drug may develop (which means
that over time it takes more and more of the drug to get the same
effect).
- Physical symptoms of withdrawal whenever use
stops (headaches,
physical discomfort, cramps, irritability, agitation, anxiety,
depression, shakes).
- There may or may not be an urge, compulsion, or
craving to get and use the drug.
Addiction Is a Family
Problem
Addiction always involves impaired
relationships—it is not like
illnesses that are limited to the body of an individual—instead,
addiction is an illness of social systems, including family, workplace,
and all levels of society.
Because addiction is common, many families will have at least one
relative who is addicted. Addictive behavior is destructive and hurts
not only the addicted individual, but everyone close to them. All
members of the immediate family will feel some degree of increased
emotional and physical stress, decreased joy in living, and continued
entrapment in the system. They may lose more time from work and have
more medical illnesses than persons who don't have family members who
are addicted.
Recognizing
and Understanding Codependency
Unfortunately, the ways in which family members
try to find relief
or escape the situation usually makes things worse. Often, they feel
overwhelmed and ashamed of the problems caused by the addictive
behavior. They try to cope in the only ways they know how, such as by
hiding their pain and protecting one another from embarrassment or
harm. This can result in enabling behaviors: behaviors which are
intended to help, but which actually increase the problems and prevent
recovery. These enabling behaviors are symptoms of codependency, which
is the term used to label the family's side of the addictive illness.
Typical enabling behaviors are:
- avoiding or ignoring the destructive behavior
of the addicted person
- lying and other efforts to cover-up or hide the
destructive behavior of the addicted person
- protecting the addicted person from
consequences (for example:
making rent payments for a relative who spent all his money on
drugs/drinking, bailing son out of jail after a DUI, paying attorney
fees and fines)
- lecturing, blaming, criticizing, threatening,
and/or arguing with the addicted person
- buying drugs/alcohol for the addicted person
- joining in drug/alcohol use or other
self-destructive behaviors.
Codependent family members may become obsessed
with the addicted
individual and with trying to understand, cope with, help, and/or
control the addictive behavior. This obsession may manifest in many
different ways. Often the codependent person will put their own needs
and feelings last, even to the point that they may lose touch with
their own feelings and become emotionally numb. Sometimes frustration,
resentment, and anger may overwhelm them and they may nag or blast the
addicted person with their out-of-control feelings. They may feel
ashamed of themselves for their reactions to the addicted person, even
if they never express it to the addicted person. Or they may feel
ashamed for failing to help the addicted person.
Signs of codependence:
- persistence in enabling behavior (see above)
- repeated attempts to control or change the
addicted person
- excessive loyalty and self-sacrifice
- feeling overwhelmed with anger, resentment,
sadness,
despair
- out of control with irritability, nagging,
angry outbursts
- increasing tolerance to turmoil and emotional
pain
- emotional numbness
- disconnection with or loss of self
- social isolation
- denial about the harmful consequences of both
the addiction and codependency.
Three
Traps Shared by Addiction and Codependency
- Denial: The inability to recognize the
harmful nature of
the problem. It may even seem that the person is purposefully refusing
to consider the problem. He/she may fail to see obvious facts, ignore
painful consequences, and/or distort reality. He/she may have a
selective memory or euphoric recall where the "fun" is remembered (and
memorialized) and the negative consequences are forgotten. Defense
mechanisms work overtime to protect him/her from the realities of the
destructive behavior. Denial occurs in individuals, families,
workplace, church, law enforcement, and all institutions and levels of
society.
- Isolation: The predictable and
progressive loss of healthy
relationships. The individual withdraws more and more from people who
care and invests increasingly more time, energy, and money in the
relationship to the drug (or in codependents, to the relationship with
the addicted person). Keeping secrets adds to the isolation and harm.
- Relapse: Don't underestimate the power
and persistence of
addiction and codependency, even if the addicted person has not used
for years or if the codependent has been apart from the addicted person
for years. The work of recovery does not end when use stops or
treatment ends. It is crucial for each person involved to have a solid,
continuing care plan after treatment. Active involvement in Twelve Step
programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and Al-Anon
(for family and friends) helps with long-term recovery and is the best
insurance against relapse. Life coaching can help recovering people to
build healthy lives.
Tips for the
Family
Usually the addicted person is not the first
person within the
family to seek help. Whoever first recognizes the problem and seeks
help will open the door to recovery for the addicted person and the
rest of the family. Effective treatment and lasting recovery require
these first steps:
- Admit the Facts: Addiction thrives on
the denial of
unpleasant facts. Recovery requires that you admit that you have
problems, that your remedies have not worked and will not work, and
that your life has become unmanageable.
- Focus on Yourself: Addiction thrives on
people who try to
change and control others. Recovery requires that you stop trying to
change or fix or control others. Stop blaming others. Stop blaming
yourself. Focus on helping and changing yourself. Self-care must be
your top priority!
- Reach Out: Addiction thrives on
isolation and ignorance.
Recovery requires that you get information and help: read about
addictions and codependency, go to Al-Anon, Adult Children of
Alcoholics (ACOA), Nar Anon, and Gamanon meetings, seek out healthy
friends, and get counseling and/or Life Coaching from a professional
with expertise in addiction and codependency. You cannot do it alone,
but with a little help, you can recover and build a healthy and
satisfying life.
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