Asking for Enough
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT
I did not blog for a couple of days. No time to write—I’ve been busy having in-body experiences and dancing with Kali!
In the past few weeks I have explored how I block myself from pleasure, which is to say, how I hold myself back from life.
Much of my Lenten journey has been solo. I have needed to dance alone. However, along the way I continued to interact with others. And I have learned as much with others as I have from my inward explorations. Actually it’s worked out to a nice balance between the two. I am blessed to have so many dear friends in my life—good, solid people who walk honestly and courageously through life. They are my traveling companions.
Part of my challenge during Lent has been to use self-pleasuring as a window into my life. To follow desires and energy freely wherever they lead, without censorship of erotic or shadow elements. I wanted to push my limits of comfort, challenge my fears, and experiment with ecstatic pleasure. I wanted to map as much of the internal territory as possible—both the light places and the shadows. And I wanted to explore being alone with myself.
Most of this has been a productive and enlightening solo journey. But as my Lenten journey has progressed, I have encountered blocks and stuck places that have not yielded to exploration. My solo window was limited. I needed outside help.
So today, I met with a friend/mentor to explore some of these questions on a deeper level. I knew I could count on his honesty, but some of what we explored was downright uncomfortable. Actually scarey. Partly because some of the questions were about intimacy and erotic pleasure. Partly because I didn’t even know how to verbalize coherent questions. Or even where to begin. So we focused more on the experiences in my body and less on my intellect. Unlike the intellect, the body never lies. We were in territory out beyond words. Intimate territory. More naked than naked…
One main theme was about my fears of asking for what I want. That was an issue for me even in asking to schedule time together. And then when we were deep into our explorations, I was afraid I was asking too much. And I kept running head-on into shame. Over and over again—layer after layer. Do I really have a right to ask for time, care, support, love, intimacy from this person? Is it wrong to want to be held, hugged, cuddled, caressed? What if two hours is not enough? How much is enough? What if I want more than hugging? Erotic touch? Orgasms? Where is the line between what’s okay and what is not?
There is only one way to find out. Leave my comfort zone. Over and over. Ask. Risk. Again and again. Let go of shame and defenses. Shed my clothes and get naked. Dance naked. Love naked. Open my heart and get more naked.
So I did.
Being naked before God, in the presence of others, brings healing. And joy. And it is enough.