Man On Strike
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT
Today I had set aside most of the day for various projects I wanted to work on. But other than my morning walk, I did nothing productive all day.
For several weeks I’ve been feeling like I have too much on my plate. Too busy. Not enough down time.
When people ask me how I’m doing, I keep saying, “I’m just so busy all the time, but I’m not complaining.”
But, I am complaining. I am too busy. And I don’t like it.
A few days ago I said I would deal with being too busy. I knew I needed to cut back and cancel some activities. I didn’t.
Yesterday was gorgeous weather and I had wanted to get out and away for the afternoon, but didn’t. Today was even more beautiful. I had a great walk and then walked around my yard several times to enjoy the springtime energy. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. Yet, I refused to make the time to get out and enjoy myself. I had obligations—important tasks that needed to be done. I had already procrastinated enough.
I should know this about myself: when I go too long without getting adequate down time, my productivity suffers. If I persist in pushing myself, at some point everything grinds to a halt. It’s like going on strike. Or I just get sick.
So today was the day to refuse everything. I was stuck in gridlock—I wouldn’t allow myself to take a much-needed break, but I also wouldn’t do the tasks I needed to do. Man on strike.
I was in a bad mood. Even self-pleasuring failed to satisfy me and give me the relief I needed. Erotic pleasure was not what I really wanted. It was just more stimulation to an already over-stimulated brain.
I really just wanted a break from too much structure and responsibility. From too much of everything.
Late in the afternoon, I finally caught on.
As a part of my journey for Lent, I am reviewing things that are blocking pleasure and connection with life. I know there are things in my life that are no longer working for me, that are holding me back, draining me, and/or blocking me.
Recently, I’ve felt less than enthusiastic about some of the groups I conduct. My energy has shifted and I’ve been wondering if I need to let them go and free myself to do something else. This week I found myself dreading my next men’s group scheduled for Sunday (tomorrow). So late this afternoon, I realized that I had to cancel it. I sent out the cancellation notices and immediately felt a huge relief. I had reclaimed a bit of my time back. I had carved out just a little bit more breathing room.
I always feel better when I respect my desires and follow what brings me energy. It’s just that I don’t always catch on right away. Finding myself on strike today caught my attention. I decided to listen.