More Stuff from the Shadows
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT
Over the last 23 days of Lent, I have been digging around in the shadows of my life searching for whatever is blocking pleasure.
Along the way I have recognized that it seems easier for me to confront difficult emotional topics, including shame about sex and self-pleasuring, than to focus on doing tangible tasks that have to be done, like washing dishes and paying bills. I don’t like admitting that I do this.
Today I removed the block of procrastination long enough to deal with some complicated insurance issues that had to be resolved before I could pay my bills. It was a hassle that took a couple of hours, but I completed it and got the bills paid. Which does feel satisfying.
While I did better with the practical chores today, I was also struggling with feelings of loneliness throughout the day (as most days). Wishing I had someone special with whom to talk, snuggle, and share. Believing that a lover/partner would make everything so much better. Believing that I would be more productive if more of my emotional needs were being met within a loving relationship.
Uh oh! I see a pattern here. This is starting to look like more shadow stuff.
Actually, that reminds me of back when I was looking for dates on-line. There were gazillions of profiles that went on and on about how they just wanted to find their one true love, their soul-mate, their knight or princess, that would make them whole and happy forever and ever. Such naive fairy tales! And always easier to spot when someone else is doing it.
As I look at these words here now, I realize that my feelings of loneliness are blocking my pleasure. Being alone is not the problem, it is my feelings and beliefs about being alone that are blocking my pleasure. Being lonely is being a victim. It is my waiting for fairy tale lovers to show up that disempowers me—that turns me into a frog that has a very small, limited life.
So today I am alone. In the dark. With myself. And that is no small blessing.