Respect for Boundaries
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT
I am grateful for a beautiful evening with friends—dinner and then a concert of exciting John Williams music with the Florida Orchestra at the Straz Center.
But it’s always hard to go home alone after nice events. I would like to chat on the way home and then just climb into bed and share the warm glow with my partner/spouse… Instead it will be me and Molly (my little Bichon).
Actually, I am finding a new appreciation for Molly. She is cute, entertaining, attentive, loyal, and likes to cuddle! And I experience more love and intimacy with her than I have with some of the dates I have had. Did I already say that dating sucks?
It’s been ten months since my last relationship ended. I’ve had plenty of time to grieve and to get some new perspectives on dating and life.
When I finally figured out that the people posting on dating and hook-up sites were just playing out their fantasies, I opted out. Very hard to give up my own fantasies that I would quickly meet Mr. or Ms. Right (I’m bisexual). But for all the countless hours I spent on-line, I have nothing to show for it. As I have gotten busier with real life and real friends, I don’t have time for my fantasy world or anyone else’s. I deleted my dating and hook-up accounts—I had to say “no” to the fantasies that were wasting so much of my time and energy. And I have not missed it at all. In hindsight, it was pretty sad really.
While I do love sex, and have considered the concept of open relationships, what I want and need most in friendships is intimacy. Which is not the same as casual sex. I have tried casual sex and I’ve found out for myself that without intimacy it’s just not worth the bother or the risks. I’d rather spend the evening with my dog, because, as limited as her consciousness might be, she is capable of being engaged and present for some basic level of intimacy. And she brings me so much joy!
As a bisexual man I am learning first-hand why women complain so much about men having a one-track mind. Generally, I am warm and friendly, even toward people I don’t know well. However, that does not constitute an unspoken invitation for men to kiss and/or grope me. For me, even a light kiss on the lips is very personal and I reserve that for my partner, family, and very close friends. And I don’t want to be touched in sexually suggestive ways without my permission.
I am so tired of meeting men who assume anything goes. Without even being on a date. Without getting to know me. Without even having the courtesy to ask permission. Yuck! What a huge turn-off. Read my lips: WHAT A HUGE TURN-OFF!!!!!
Intimacy is all about boundaries. And respect. My two closest friends are men. In both cases, the relationships are not sexual. We respect each other’s boundaries. Which is to say, we respect each other. And we enjoy solid friendships that offer real intimacy.
I take myself seriously. I love myself. I respect myself. Therefore, I choose friends and lovers who are respectful and loving.
Okay, Molly, let’s get to bed.