What If I Fail?
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT
I’m tired. Again.
It’s been another very full day. Which is wonderful, except that I don’t have much energy or motivation left to write. So I am starting with where I am right now.
I should be able to do more. Really, I should. That’s what I tell myself. That’s what I’ve been telling myself all of my life. It’s never enough. Never good enough. Always judging myself and never measuring up. Nothing I do is ever good enough.
Or at least that’s what I keep thinking. But, maybe it’s not true. Or even if it is, maybe just for Lent, I can give up the judgments. Or at least give them up as soon as I recognize them.
I gave my presentation today on relationships and intimacy. I had a good time doing it. Mostly I liked what I did and said. The participants seemed engaged and like they got something out of it. One of my main points was how I was learning to love myself. I shared was how I used to “throw myself under the bus” so much that I ended up living under the bus, which was no way to live. And that I’ve pretty much stopped doing that now.
Afterward, as I walked to my car my “critical parent” exploded out of nowhere and tried to beat the living hell out of me. Within seconds, I was ready to throw myself under the bus because I had not measured up to my fantasy “Super-Presenter”. I felt ashamed for my perceived failure and on top of that more shame for being so hard on myself. And shame for my shame! By the time I pulled out of the parking lot, I was trying to swear myself to secrecy—that I should not write about this. So typical of shame—that feeling/belief that I must keep it secret. UGH!
I tried to stop the judgments several times. Within a few blocks, I managed to re-focus on what I liked about what I had done. In fact, one of the most important things I did today was that I showed up and did my best, even fully knowing it would not perfect. In the past I would not have attempted anything that had a risk of turning out less than 99% perfect.
But I showed up. I took some risks and tried some new things that turned out very well. There were many points where I was wide open, holding nothing back. I was spontaneous. I had fun. Participants had fun and learned some things. I learned some things. I enjoyed some great people.
What more could I want?
Maybe what I want more than anything else is just to feel the peace that comes when I witness the whole picture without judgment.
Yes, that’s it. I am grateful for another beautiful day, more perfect than I could have imagined.