Touching into New Places
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT
I want to free myself to follow the leading of spirit into new territory. To the places where I will encounter the radical Jesus.
Who is the radical Jesus? The one who taught us that all of the law can be stated in two principles:
- Love your neighbor as yourself
- Love God with your whole being
This is radical in its elegant simplicity. And radical in how we are called to be in the world.
Lent is an opportunity to empty myself of my rules and focus on love. Radical love. Love of myself, love of my neighbors, love of my enemies, love of all of Creation. This must include my vulnerable, mortal flesh. And my feet, my aching knees and thighs (too much exercise yesterday), my genitals. The whole temple. All of it must be loved. Especially that which I had previously excluded from love and awareness. Yes, even my anus. All of this is what was given to me to treasure and care for.
So to love myself now, I clear out internal space to make room for what is new and growing. I am clearing away what is taking up space and blocking my energy. Shedding what is no longer relevant or alive for me. And climbing out of the boxes where I have hidden myself away from Life. Letting the lifeless husk crack and fall away so I can sprout and grow. Again.
I go to solitary places to find spirit. And then join in the fellowship of friends and church to find spirit again. The organic ebb and flow. I am alone and not alone. I need each. Again and again.
Even in taking the time for writing, I am turning away from some of the activities that typically fill my day. Taking the time for exercise and self-pleasuring also requires me to drop other activities. In discerning what to give up and what to pursue, my guide is to follow the energy. These seven days of writing have been one of the most powerful energizing experiences of recent years. And I love it. And the exercise and self-pleasuring seem to generate the raw energy that fuels my writing.
Self-pleasuring has changed for me over the last seven days of mindful practice. Much less erotic today and more sensuous. I am looking for something. Wanting something. I crave the wholeness of my body. I am discovering pleasure everywhere, not stopping too long in any one place. Not being obsessed with my genitals. Just breathing and exploring everywhere with my hands. Have I touched my face yet? What about here just along my chin? And my hip is uncomfortable now. What if I shift to another position? I want to push into the painful muscle in my buttocks and explore what is there and what is connected to this place. Just breathing and exploring. Going from comfort to discomfort to painful places to delicious warm softness that melts and flows everywhere. Oh, I forgot about my genitals! They are here somewhere—but no longer the whole show. I had forgotten about how much of me there is! How much of me I have been missing. I am here with myself. Present for just this moment. Hello, skin! Hello, scalp! Hello, beautiful being!
This is the cycle of renewal that is celebrated through Lent and Easter. The emptying and suffering and being tempted. Being lost and then finding my soul. Finding a life renewed.
Re-birth is not a one-time event. The radical Jesus calls us to be re-born over and over. Renewal comes, and then what was so new and alive becomes static and confining. Over and over, we are called to step out of our comfort zones, shed that which is confining us, and come into what is new. In nature nothing remains the same.
Surrender to the changes. Be transformed a million times and then another hundred million times. Again and again…